A couple of days ago Nicole posted a blog titled “How Many Kids Do You Really Have?” She didn’t ask me to post my opinion on what she wrote, but I am. (hey babe you gave me access remember?)

First of all, something I have heard her preach over and over again, is how having a successful blended family takes patience, consistency and time. It’s a lot of work every day to remember that I am not just a normal parent, but I am also a “step parent”. And to make matters worse, my step-kids father is really not in the picture. She rarely hears from him, and so we don’t deal with him. This makes me the primary man in their lives.

This in itself puts a lot of pressure on me as a father. I want to do right by my own kids AND my step kids. I want to make the right decisions, I want to be a good leader and role model, but it is all very hard. And I learn as I go.

I don’t feel as if I am harder on her children over my own. I have reflected on that since she wrote that post. She feels strongly that I am. So I guess I am going to have to evaluate my parental role, figure out what it is she feels I am doing and try to hold my tongue and “choose my battles” (her favorite phrase) so I can eliminate the fact that she feels I am being unfair to anyone.

There is nobody I want to hurt in any of this so its important that we get it fixed.

Oh, and in case you wanted to know. I have five kids.

…that I seriously just stop and realize how lucky I am. For all the hard things that happen and the long bridges we have to cross and the situations that come up, it’s nights like tonight that just feel good.

The kids have all been excellent. I made a fast and fun dinner, we all ate together. We went outside and just sat on the front porch for an hour and talked. They went on a bike ride, and a couple of us went on a brief walk.

We just had a nice, relaxing evening.

Now, they are all in their beds reading and getting ready to turn the lights out in 11 minutes. It’s nights like tonight I realize how truly blessed I am and remember how incredibly happy this all makes me.

It seems like a normal question for a large blended family like ours, however it isn’t intended the way it sounds.

I’m curious - how many kids do you really have?

When I went into my blended family, I knew that I was not just getting three new kids, but I was getting five new kids. Their dynamics and how they work together, was going to change. My own children would react differently to me, to him and to their new found siblings. I know, without a doubt, that I have five kids.

However, the issue that arises the most often, seems to be that parents tend to be harder on their partner’s kids than thier own. While I’d like to think of myself as the exception to this rule, I am humble enough to admit, there are times, when I’d rather blame his kids. However, I don’t. That’s the difference.

I spent a great deal of time soul searching on what I wanted for my new family. I have continued that through the entire time we have been together.

So what do you do when you feel like you’ve made the necessary changes, but your partner has not?

I wish I could say this is not an issue for my family. It is. It is a reality. He is definitely harder on my kids than his own, and I cannot figure out why. His kids are not the angels that sometimes I feel he thinks they are. In fairness, I know in my heart, that he is aware of their problems, and the way they react at times too.

But what happens, more often than not, is that he tends to notice every single minor and major detail of what my kids do wrong. However, his oldest doesn’t seem to do any wrong.

Sad part? All four of the other kids have noticed this and expressed it to me. Yes, that includes two of his girls. They have told me more than once that they feel as if the oldest NEVER gets in trouble. And the other sad part? They are correct. The same things that will immediately get my kids yelled at or in trouble, he ignores completely in her unless I say something. Or unless I give him the look. Then suddenly, as if by magic, he comes alive and says something.

One day I did something I never thought I’d do. I staged a scene to see what would happen. It was immature and I know that. I shouldn’t have done it, I am not perfect and I will never claim to be.

I asked my son to wait for my cue and when I gave it, to act silly with the youngest girl. I told him not to go overboard but to simply start goofing around a bit. I waited until the oldest started messing with the middle girl (her usual target) and waited almost five minutes to give my son the cue. I did. Guess which pair he yelled at? Yes, you guessed right, if you chose my son and his youngest daughter. Guess which kids he did not yell at? Yes, you also got it right if you guessed his oldest and middle daughter. Which pair was the more obvious that they were misbehaving? The oldest girl - she was climbing on the back of the middle child and we had more than enough people looking at us in the store. *sigh*

So, what do you do about it? I think it’s much like everything else. You try to communicate. You don’t do it in front of the children and while I know I did, I definitely don’t recommend inviting the children to be any part of it. It was a mistake I know, but I was so aggravated I just wanted proof.

So, if you ask me how many kids I really have, I will tell you five. If you ask him, I still think he thinks he only has three, but maybe not.

It’s bound to happen. It is certainly not one of those things that is exclusive to Blended Families. It happens in every family. When parental opinions are not always the same and start to cause conflict.

So far we’ve been lucky within our family, because we seem to take and give a lot. If we don’t agree, sometimes there is a resolution that will work for both of us, but that is even rare.

However, we do have a current conflict that is not something that we can find a resolution for. It is one of those situations where one of us will be happy and one will not, with the outcome.

Because it affects a child, putting the child’s best interest first is all that is important to me in whatever the outcome is, even if my thoughts and opinions aren’t the ones that we go with.

So what do you do when your opinions, viewpoints or even values are put to the test in a situation?

First, communicate. It is important to sit down and discuss the situation calmly and rationally. Yelling and screaming is not the answer, and will get you nowhere. However, ignoring the problem isn’t healthy either. That is where we seem to be a bit stuck these days.

It is important to put it all out on the table. Even making a list of the pro’s and con’s of each side, what the desired results from each person’s viewpoint is, can help make the decision process easier. It is important for all parties involved in the debate to be aware that someone is going to get what they want, and it might not be them. Going into it with that frame of mind, will help.

Second, research. It is also important to seek advice, research the situation and find out if there are alternative solutions that maybe you both haven’t looked at yet. Seeking professional advice is an excellent solution, however just knowing someone else who has been in that situation, might be helpful too.

Third, acceptance. Accept that your way is not the only way. Understand, that although you really think your argument is the best one, because of this and this and this, that it doesn’t necessarily mean it is best for the child, or best for anyone. Do not let it change how you feel about others involved and do not take it personally.

Every relationship requires a lot of take and give. We have to be willing to keep the children’s best interest at heart, even if it means sacrificing what we want to make them happy.

If I can ever help, please email me or leave me a comment. I will be glad to answer any questions, or help you figure out how best to deal with a situation. If I haven’t been there, I probably know someone who has, and  can ask for help.

Typically I am ecstatic to reach a weekend, and just relax and have fun with my family, but this is the first weekend that I could really do without.

Mike has decided to help out at work tonight, so he is working the first part of the night, and won’t be home until after 11:30pm. While I am happy that he is helping out, and yes, I even encouraged him to do it, I do wish he wasn’t working on a Friday. I love that he only has to work Monday-Thursday nights and then we have the whole long weekend ahead. We usually go grab dinner at our favorite pizza place and then either see a movie, or go for ice cream or go to the park or……well…. I guess not tonight.

Then this is the weekend the girls go to their moms house. Ever since she started taking them for the whole weekend, it’s been hard.  We do these fun activities and they do these fun activities and everyone seems jealous of what the others got to do. It kinda sucks.

Melissa usually doesn’t want to go to her moms or she tries to find a reason not to go, and truth be told she hasn’t been in over a month! (she still sees her during the week). But this weekend she excited about going and so they will all three be  gone.

My two are not going to know what to do with themselves. Sounds like we need to find something to do. The girls are possibly going rafting with their mom and her boyfriend this weekend. We are talking about seeing Harry Potter this afternoon but I think its going to be crazy and trying to find seven seats together I bet will be mega hard.

I don’t know why I care so much this weekend. *sigh* But I do. 

Wow. I finally finished Summer Breeze. You can read the Press Release for the book here, the book I spoke earlier about written by Catherine Palmer and based on The Four Seasons of Marriage by Gary Chapman.

I’ve always had a thing for Gary Chapman and his marriage advice, books, lectures and tips.

Up until I was given the change to read and review Summer Breeze, I had never read The Four Seasons of Marriage. But I have now, and what a refreshing look at marriages. I won’t say anything more, because this review is for Summer Breeze. However, I will tell you that it prompted me to check out four other of Chapman’s books from the library and I’m already finished with three of them!

As I started Summer Breeze, I was only about a dozen pages in, when I realized I was getting hooked, but wanted to know more about these characters, which had apparently been discussed in the first book. I decided to put it aside and locate the first book in the series: It Happens Every Spring, also based off Chapman’s marriage series. Only one chapter into the book I was completely hooked. There is a reason that Palmer has won so many amazing awards, and has taken home the covited Christy Award. I had a hard time putting that book down, mostly because I was so ready to start on the new one and continue reading where I left off. Once I had finished It Happens Every Spring, I was totally and completely in love with Palmer and had a nagging to read the marriage series by Chapman. I did that. And even though that marriage series is for married couples, I believe it helps in all relationships.

I resumed Summer Breeze thinking I would continue reading where I left off, but quickly decided just to start the book over. Again, I was instantly hooked, and I couldn’t stop for very long. Even when I was away from the book, I kept thinking about it, and wondering what would happen to the beloved characters that Palmer had created. They became a part of my thinking for the two days it took to read the book.

Summer Breeze is a closer look into the marriage of a man and woman, as are all the books in this series. This particular couple was touched on briefly in It Happens Every Spring, and to all who read it, appeared to have a terrific marriage. Kim had been married before and had two children, twins from that abusive, terrible marriage. Derek had not been married before, and was entering into a blended family three years prior when they wed. The three years had been great, but Summer Breeze took a closer look into their relationship, and as the book progressed we saw the shortcomings that both characters were flawed with. Derek had been lying for years to Kim about a dark past, one that could withstand most relationships, but was trying just the same. Derek’s mother moved in with them for an interesting twist of events. Kim was having a hard time accepting that as well. Turning to God for answers, Kim and Derek manage to pull it all together in the end.

I really don’t want to share any more of the story, because my hope is that you want to read it too. It honestly is probably my favorite series I have read in years and it helps that the entire series takes place in a tiny community in Lake of the Ozarks (a favorite place to visit), and is in my home state, as well as the place that Catherine Palmer and her family reside. I do not know how I will possibly wait until the Fall release of Falling For You Again, the third in this four book series.

Very soon, there will be a contest giveaway here on the site to win one of two copies of the book, Summer Breeze, so watch for details. It will involve leaving comments in some way, but we are still ironing out the details.

The definition of a blended family, is the combing of two or more separate family units, to create one new family. Typically these occur with divorces, re-marriages and sometimes even the death of one or more parents.   

When you blend families, no matter who’s home you decide to blend in, more than likely, changes need to occur. And not just with the house itself.

Children will need to share rooms, toys, books, friends, and even siblings and parents.

Personalities and ways of living will surely clash.

Parents will have to learn to work together on discipline, schedules, attention, problems, schooling, rules and other important matters.

Is there a right way or a wrong way to do it? Not exactly. Too bad there isn’t a rule book, right?

But there are some tips that can help.

• Try to maintain as much of your normal routine as possible during the transition and make changes, slowly. Dropping classes, lessons or regular activities, will make the child resentful towards the new family. “If my mom had never married James, I would still be taking Karate lessons. It’s just not fair.”
• Encourage children to keep the lines of communication open. Allow them to express their disappointments, frustrations and problems with the adjustment. Getting children to talk can help them learn to express themselves better and not keep feelings bottled up inside, where they are sure to grow and mutate until one day, they are unleashed on an unsuspecting individual. This can create a bigger problem. Allow each child to feel safe coming to you and expressing themselves.
• Be objective and fair. Do not always assume, that since Johnny has a history of misbehavior, that everytime Julie says Johnny did something, that it is the gospel truth - even if Julie has never lied before. Transitions can make children, who are otherwise good natured, turn into creatures from the blue lagoon. Perfect pricess Julie, might make things up or view the situation differently than Johnny did. Do not criticize a child or discipline a child in front of other children either, unless you include everyone in the lesson. “I have noticed a cup or two being left on the kitchen table after meals. I don’t care who is doing it, because I know that everyone here is guilty of doing it at least once or twice. Can you please try harder to remember to put the dishes in the sink when you are finished?
• Listen. Give positive advice. Don’t allow children to focus on the negative - because they will, however don’t always point out the positive, because what you, as parents, conceive as positive - is just not always the same for children. Try to help the child see all the different viewpoints. “Sure, there are some negatives Johnny, it’s really hard to share your books with Kade.  But, if you share your books with Kade, I bet he’ll share his mp3 player.” Encourage both children to be involved in choosing what is shared, and stay neutral when dealing with these situations.
• Give each child involved in the new blended family transition a little space. More than likely they will retreat to their rooms from time to time. More than likely they will still enjoy playing by themselves from time to time.
• If a child is having a paritcularly hard moment, consider getting them out of the situation. Perhaps take them on a walk to let off some steam and just talk. Or perhaps suggest that they read a book.
• Be sure to spend one on one time with each child involved, not just your own. This is important for bonding with not only biological children, but the new children you are now parenting. Show children that you are fun, fair and love them unconditionally, even when you have to enforce a rule or discipline. Spending that bonding time will allow children a chance to get to know you, or for your biological children to still feel close to you. They are, afterall, sharing you with new people now.
• Remind children that sharing our stuff is important, but allow some flexibility and choices in what items they are comfortable sharing. If Kathy got a beautiful dress from Grandma, and she simply cannot bear to share it with her new step-sister, do not force the issue. However, do not allow a child to go overboard in what they are willing to share and what they are not willing to share. Perhaps pointing out when one child shares something is a good idea. For instance: Melanie, that was really sweet of you to lend Tara your earrings. It’s so nice when people share with each other. Tara, did you remember to thank Melanie? It sure was nice of her.
• If two or more children from different families must share a room, be sure to consider each child’s feelings in regard to the room. The child who’s room it used to be exclusively, is going to feel as if there is an intruder. And the child who enters the new room, is going to feel like it isn’t his or her room. Be aware of each situation and try to be sympathetic. Help the child new to the room, to make the room more his or her own. Help the child who is already a resident of that room to feel more comfortable sharing it. Perhaps you could go on a shopping trip and pick out new bedding or a special picture for each child for the wall. Helping the children to feel as if they have some say so over what the room is like, will help make it easier for everyone involved.

There are dozens of other tips that I can share, and I will in time. But these seem to be the most important to remember on regular basis. They are the lifetips that nobody told me beforehand, but that I figured out fast and have consistently kept our new family going strong.

Have a question? Leave a comment. I’ll be happy to respond.

You will probably notice some changes, items that won’t load, and other small problems this afternoon. We are changing our template, because the one we chose - truly sucked. LOL

Anyway, please be patient. Updates will be completed no later than 2pm CST. thanks!

ETA: Hey, it’s 2pm! What do you think? Still some minor tweaks to go, but the template is how I want it I think. Be honest.