I knew exactly which picture I wanted to use for this. The problem was, they are not digital pictures and they have already been scrapped:

The outfit my son is wearing was a handed-down outfit. I am not sure where it originated from, but I reminded me of the old fashioned style outfits they wore and I loved it. He was two.

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The most important thing in my life. My kids.

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At this point in the game you are ready to learn about a few transitions that seem to work. Now, I don’t live with you, I don’t even know you - so I won’t pretend that all of these will work for every family. In fact, it will all depend on the child, the home life and the day of the week or time of the day that the child is returned home.

The first thing you want to do is think about transitions. The definition of transition is: Passage from one form, state, style, or place to another. Many children have problems with transition, and some you would never even notice. It is the children who have difficulty with changes that are usually affected the most.

Once you have figured out how the whole transitional phase works, you need to focus on making the transition as easy as possible. This will vary for each family and each situation.

For us, one of the things that we noticed is that each child handled it differently. One came home and couldn’t wait to be as close to us as she could. Another came home and withdrew, opting for time in her room away from everyone. The other was quiet, slightly withdrawn but more so from being so overly exhausted.

The one thing I hated was the fact that the one child withdrew. I didn’t understand that for awhile, and maybe I still don’t totally understand her need to withdraw, but we did work around it and it is working beautifully for us.

Typically, when they return home now, we try to do something. We might run to the grocery store, go grab a bite to eat, we might run to someones house, go out for ice cream or other special treat or we might just go out and run a few errands, but the point is to get the child focused on something else, rather than their return home. A few times when the weather hasn’t been real great or we haven’t wanted to to anywhere, we will rent/buy a movie that everyone really wanted to see, pop up some popcorn and have some cookies and keep everyone entertained. This can work too.

A child should never be made to feel bad about how they are feeling. This was something I had to work on, because while I don’t understand her need to withdraw, I have to respect it. It should be noted however, that since we have made the attempt to change the transition and have something planned to do, it has been much better. She might still return in a quiet mood, but within ten minutes of being on our way or participating in a new activity, she opens up and is herself. Sometimes I wonder how it must feel, to leave one parent and return to the other. Children don’t choose divorce. (except in the case of my son which is a story for another time). They must be made to live with it, and deal with it, and its just a whole lot of crap and turmoil placed on tiny shoulders to bare. It makes me very sad to realize what it does to the kids, but knowing how to make it better can change a negative situation into a positive, bonding time.

Over the course of the past six months that we have been working with the RTR (return home reaction) and trying to find ways to deal with it and make it better for them, I have seen a real growth. They are beginning to see that we want the best for them, that we want them to be happy and that no matter how they feel, we still love them. Perhaps every child in this situation wonders what will change while they are gone. Perhaps they are afraid of what they might find when they return. For us, the mother abandoned the children years ago for a period of time. This abandonment is surely what causes the moodiness that we see, probably wondering if I will leave, or dad will be different. That won’t happen and we strive to make it a reality for them.

Patience. Time. Effort. Love. These are four extremely important factors in any type of custody issues. Whether it is dealing with visitation, or it is dealing with all the crud that comes at the start of a divorce. A child should always come first, and knowing that is your key - your ticket to creating a happy, healthy homelife.

If you have any questions, feel free to contact me. I’d love to chat.

For the other sections of this article see:

Custody: When They Return - Reviewing The Situation

Custody: When They Return - Taking a Deeper Look

Custody: When They Return - Transitions That Work

First, try to take a step back and look at it from their angle. If you know the types of things that go in the other parents home, if you know the activities they did while they were visiting, etc. then you might already have some answers.

Let’s take a look at our situation to compare. When my step kids return home on Sunday night after a weekend visit, they always look terrible. In fact, most of the time they look sick. It took me awhile to figure out why, but now I know. They don’t sleep well. There are many reasons for this, but one of them is that they get to go to bed whenever. Have you ever told an eight year old she could go to bed whenever she wants? Uhm. Didn’t think so. So stacked with that knowledge, the first thing I could determine was that they were always VERY exhausted when they got home. This meant no strenuous activities. (Last summer we took them to the lake/beach to swim on a Sunday evening after they arrived home - and while I admit they had fun, it was really hard the next day.)

Another situation that we deal with is the fact that they wonder what they are missing here when they are there. You can normally tell when they have been active all weekend, because they will come home rambling about every detail and happily share their adventures. However, if they spent the majority of the weekend doing nothing, they usually clam up and get very quiet when they return home. It took me some time to figure out that it was because they were trying to learn what we had done over the weekend. Had we gone anywhere fun, had we done anything that they might have enjoyed? One more than one occasion - we have. That has been hard for them, because it makes them feel guilty towards both parents. Guilty for wishing they could have been with the other parent, instead of sitting around doing nothing. Guilty for making the choice to spend the weekend with the other parent, and not participate with the rest of us in an activity. It is gut wrenching when you really sit and look at it. The turmoil that these kids endure, wanting to please both parents, yet not wanting to disappoint the other while doing it.

It is imperative to take that deeper look at your child and see what situations might make them different when they return home. Once you are garnered with that information, it is time to move onto the next step. For the record, this could take a lot of weeks to accomplish. What you are looking for is situational consistency. You want to see if when the situations are the same on more than once occasion, that the child or children are consistent with their behavior or RHR. (return home reaction). The reason for this, is that some kids actually do fine bouncing back and forth and you would never know anything was wrong. Still other kids might have a hard time once in awhile but not every time. You might wish to review when these things happen so that you don’t over-react or under-react accordingly.

Read the next section of this article.

For the other sections of this article see:

Custody: When They Return - Reviewing The Situation

Custody: When They Return - Taking a Deeper Look

Custody: When They Return - Transitions That Work

I haven’t touched on a lot of custody or divorce issues, simply because the focus of this blog is supposed to be on blended families, step families and the uniting of two established families. Period.

However, the thing is - custody is a big part of a blended family, step family or otherwise when it involves children on one or both sides. I have been divorced for seven years, separated for eight (in fact I left him in March 2000). I have been through the custody thing, I have been through the arguments, and I have been through the visitations and vacations, that when they return - it is almost like getting a different child back.

For years I thought that I must be the only mom who went through that. I never heard anyone else talk about it. However, now I have three step daughters who see their mother once a week. It is a whole new custody/visitation scenario. One day a week she comes up and has dinner with them and takes them to the library. She arrives somewhere after 6pm most of the time, and you never know when they will return home. Sometimes it will be the earlier part of 7 o’clock hour. Other times it will be 8:45pm. And way back, it used to sometimes be close to 9:30pm which was difficult for us because the girls go to bed at 9:30pm and it was a situation I don’t want to return to. Thankfully mom worked with us, and we are doing much better. However, the inconsistencies of bringing them home at different times, still needs some serious fine tuning. They also see her every other weekend. She arrives sometime after 6pm, sometimes closer to 7pm and returns them home whenever she feels like it the evening of Sunday night. Joyous!

But I’m not here to discuss bedtimes, and times they come home and whatever else. (that’s a whole other post, and perhaps sometime I will touch on that.) This post, while titled when they return, is more about the transition of returning than the time of returning.

If you are the person the child lives with most of the time, the one that they consider “home”, have you ever watched them after they have returned home? Have you ever noticed peculiar behavior? Perhaps they seem withdrawn, or snippy? It is different for all children, but if you ever thought “Hey, where’s MY child?” when you looked at them after returning home, there are a few things you can do to help the situation.

Read the next section of this article.

For the other sections of this article see:

Custody: When They Return - Reviewing The Situation

Custody: When They Return - Taking a Deeper Look

Custody: When They Return - Transitions That Work

If anyone says the word skinny around here, the first person I think of is my daughter. She’s about the tiniest, skinniest thing ever. In fact Mike calls her “stick”. It’s his affectionate term of endearment for her. Sometimes we tease her and call her “twig”.

How I wish I could post a pic of myself today hehehe

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Dealing with the situations that can arise from time to time, especially around holidays and birthdays, is a bit different for blended families than it is for a traditional family. This is a new problem to us, as we didn’t face any issues prior to this past Christmas - either that or we just didn’t notice until this year.

This Christmas however, was different in a lot of ways. Suddenly we are noticing a huge difference in the places that the children get gifts. In other words, there is a noticeable difference in amounts of gifts for the children. Some receive gifts from extended family members while others do not. This can be so hard for the children involved to understand, but it is bound to happen in a blended family household.

It is important to note that there is actually nothing wrong with it, and gift givers should not be discouraged from giving gifts to the children in their lives, nor should they be expected to include any children that they are not comfortable including.

One way I dealt with it the first Christmas we were together, and didn’t realize I had done it, was to ask my mom and dad to do just as much more my step-kids as she does for my kids. I knew that this would be taking away from their (my children) Christmas, but it was important that the others feel wanted and included and not feel left out. At least it was important to me. It worked well and everyone was happy, including my own children who didn’t seem to notice at all.

What evolved over time though, is that my step children were now receiving gifts from extended family members on their side of the family which amounted to twice as many gifts at Christmas as my own children received. Understandably children were upset and jealous. So it was time to revamp things a bit. I discussed the situation with my parents again, and this time we concluded that it would be beneficial that we not take away any more of my children’s traditional gifts as they had already lost out, but that instead of doing so much for my step-children, a couple of nice gifts would be more than sufficient.

I can tell you without hesitation that this Christmas, while strangely the first noticeable time that this occurred, was also the best Christmas yet. My children exhibited no jealousy, no hurt feelings when my step children received gifts from people who had not sent gifts for my children. At the same time, my step-kids additionally did not feel upset or jealous when my children seemingly received more than them from my own parents and family members that include them in the holidays. It was a really healthy and needed experience for all involved.

No matter what your situation is, it is not difficult to modify traditions or situations to make it fair for all those involved. Additionally, it is not a negative thing to re-evaluate the way things are and change what is needed. Children learn by example, so teaching them early on, that sometimes life is unfair and sometimes people will receive things that they won’t, is just a lesson that needs to be learned. A gentle reminder of what they get that their step-siblings don’t get doesn’t hurt either.

Continue this practice beyond Christmas and into birthdays and other events where gift-giving is a part of. You will find a happier, healthier blended family.

Trust me. They were very delicious!

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