Dealing with the situations that can arise from time to time, especially around holidays and birthdays, is a bit different for blended families than it is for a traditional family. This is a new problem to us, as we didn’t face any issues prior to this past Christmas - either that or we just didn’t notice until this year.
This Christmas however, was different in a lot of ways. Suddenly we are noticing a huge difference in the places that the children get gifts. In other words, there is a noticeable difference in amounts of gifts for the children. Some receive gifts from extended family members while others do not. This can be so hard for the children involved to understand, but it is bound to happen in a blended family household.
It is important to note that there is actually nothing wrong with it, and gift givers should not be discouraged from giving gifts to the children in their lives, nor should they be expected to include any children that they are not comfortable including.
One way I dealt with it the first Christmas we were together, and didn’t realize I had done it, was to ask my mom and dad to do just as much more my step-kids as she does for my kids. I knew that this would be taking away from their (my children) Christmas, but it was important that the others feel wanted and included and not feel left out. At least it was important to me. It worked well and everyone was happy, including my own children who didn’t seem to notice at all.
What evolved over time though, is that my step children were now receiving gifts from extended family members on their side of the family which amounted to twice as many gifts at Christmas as my own children received. Understandably children were upset and jealous. So it was time to revamp things a bit. I discussed the situation with my parents again, and this time we concluded that it would be beneficial that we not take away any more of my children’s traditional gifts as they had already lost out, but that instead of doing so much for my step-children, a couple of nice gifts would be more than sufficient.
I can tell you without hesitation that this Christmas, while strangely the first noticeable time that this occurred, was also the best Christmas yet. My children exhibited no jealousy, no hurt feelings when my step children received gifts from people who had not sent gifts for my children. At the same time, my step-kids additionally did not feel upset or jealous when my children seemingly received more than them from my own parents and family members that include them in the holidays. It was a really healthy and needed experience for all involved.
No matter what your situation is, it is not difficult to modify traditions or situations to make it fair for all those involved. Additionally, it is not a negative thing to re-evaluate the way things are and change what is needed. Children learn by example, so teaching them early on, that sometimes life is unfair and sometimes people will receive things that they won’t, is just a lesson that needs to be learned. A gentle reminder of what they get that their step-siblings don’t get doesn’t hurt either. 
Continue this practice beyond Christmas and into birthdays and other events where gift-giving is a part of. You will find a happier, healthier blended family.
January 26th, 2008 at 6:20 pm
Great post!!! It’s all about the constant adjustments. (Kind of like the rest of life, I think!)
February 8th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
It’s really nice to see you getting along so well with your stepchildren. I am involved with a family with a long history of stepchildren not getting along with stepmom; and it created a toll on the children’s lives.
I wonder who makes the initiative to create a good relationship? The stepmom or the children?
March 12th, 2008 at 8:55 am
I am currently going through a similar situation with my new blended family, however the problem is not the extended family it is my step-children’s grandparents. We had asked them 2 years ago that if they were going to spend Christmas at our home that they needed to bring the same amount of gifts for each child, we didn’t care if they were all cheap it just needed to be fair. We also added that if they had additional gifts for my step-children that they could have them open them at their home after Christmas. I also requested the same from my mother even though it was not necessary because she had done it the year before. Well this request went over like a lead brick with the new in-law’s. They nearly did not come over at all for Christmas, they refuse to come to any of my children’s birthdays. It has become such a point of frustration for me I can hardly talk about it.
April 4th, 2008 at 8:39 pm
i have a problem. i dont hav any other family members except my kids. recently i ahv been seeing someone with kids and they get spoilt by there mum and the rest of the rather big family on birthdays and christmas. wat can i do to stop them rubbing it in to my kids and stop them feeling upset?
April 7th, 2008 at 8:23 am
[...] wasn’t going to do another post on this subject, because I seriously thought that it might be too much dealing with one particular [...]