The definition of a blended family, is the combing of two or more separate family units, to create one new family. Typically these occur with divorces, re-marriages and sometimes even the death of one or more parents.
When you blend families, no matter who’s home you decide to blend in, more than likely, changes need to occur. And not just with the house itself.
Children will need to share rooms, toys, books, friends, and even siblings and parents.
Personalities and ways of living will surely clash.
Parents will have to learn to work together on discipline, schedules, attention, problems, schooling, rules and other important matters.
Is there a right way or a wrong way to do it? Not exactly. Too bad there isn’t a rule book, right?
But there are some tips that can help.
- Try to maintain as much of your normal routine as possible during the transition and make changes, slowly. Dropping classes, lessons or regular activities, will make the child resentful towards the new family. “If my mom had never married James, I would still be taking Karate lessons. It’s just not fair.”
- Encourage children to keep the lines of communication open. Allow them to express their disappointments, frustrations and problems with the adjustment. Getting children to talk can help them learn to express themselves better and not keep feelings bottled up inside, where they are sure to grow and mutate until one day, they are unleashed on an unsuspecting individual. This can create a bigger problem. Allow each child to feel safe coming to you and expressing themselves.
- Be objective and fair. Do not always assume, that since Johnny has a history of misbehavior, that everytime Julie says Johnny did something, that it is the gospel truth - even if Julie has never lied before. Transitions can make children, who are otherwise good natured, turn into creatures from the blue lagoon. Perfect pricess Julie, might make things up or view the situation differently than Johnny did. Do not criticize a child or discipline a child in front of other children either, unless you include everyone in the lesson. “I have noticed a cup or two being left on the kitchen table after meals. I don’t care who is doing it, because I know that everyone here is guilty of doing it at least once or twice. Can you please try harder to remember to put the dishes in the sink when you are finished?
- Listen. Give positive advice. Don’t allow children to focus on the negative - because they will, however don’t always point out the positive, because what you, as parents, conceive as positive - is just not always the same for children. Try to help the child see all the different viewpoints. “Sure, there are some negatives Johnny, it’s really hard to share your books with Kade. But, if you share your books with Kade, I bet he’ll share his mp3 player.” Encourage both children to be involved in choosing what is shared, and stay neutral when dealing with these situations.
- Give each child involved in the new blended family transition a little space. More than likely they will retreat to their rooms from time to time. More than likely they will still enjoy playing by themselves from time to time.
- If a child is having a paritcularly hard moment, consider getting them out of the situation. Perhaps take them on a walk to let off some steam and just talk. Or perhaps suggest that they read a book.
- Be sure to spend one on one time with each child involved, not just your own. This is important for bonding with not only biological children, but the new children you are now parenting. Show children that you are fun, fair and love them unconditionally, even when you have to enforce a rule or discipline. Spending that bonding time will allow children a chance to get to know you, or for your biological children to still feel close to you. They are, afterall, sharing you with new people now.
- Remind children that sharing our stuff is important, but allow some flexibility and choices in what items they are comfortable sharing. If Kathy got a beautiful dress from Grandma, and she simply cannot bear to share it with her new step-sister, do not force the issue. However, do not allow a child to go overboard in what they are willing to share and what they are not willing to share. Perhaps pointing out when one child shares something is a good idea. For instance: Melanie, that was really sweet of you to lend Tara your earrings. It’s so nice when people share with each other. Tara, did you remember to thank Melanie? It sure was nice of her.
- If two or more children from different families must share a room, be sure to consider each child’s feelings in regard to the room. The child who’s room it used to be exclusively, is going to feel as if there is an intruder. And the child who enters the new room, is going to feel like it isn’t his or her room. Be aware of each situation and try to be sympathetic. Help the child new to the room, to make the room more his or her own. Help the child who is already a resident of that room to feel more comfortable sharing it. Perhaps you could go on a shopping trip and pick out new bedding or a special picture for each child for the wall. Helping the children to feel as if they have some say so over what the room is like, will help make it easier for everyone involved.
There are dozens of other tips that I can share, and I will in time. But these seem to be the most important to remember on regular basis. They are the lifetips that nobody told me beforehand, but that I figured out fast and have consistently kept our new family going strong.
Have a question? Leave a comment. I’ll be happy to respond.
January 22nd, 2008 at 1:13 pm
My girlfriend and I are discussing getting engaged. when the children ( boy 17, quad girls 15) were told the children seemed aprehensive. They would prefer nothing happening till they are all out of high school. We have been dating for 2 years and I get along with them very well. the boy told his mother that he does not want a stepfather. The kids have a relationship with their father which I do encourage. I an somewhat confused. I don’t want to create any problems with the kids. They have a great mother who has done a wonderful job with them. I am willing to wait on marraige for a couple of years, however, it would be nice to at least be engaged. Is there any advice that you could share with me?