Have you ever read about birth order?

I did about a year ago in a blended families book I picked up from the library. To date, it might be the most informative, and helpful book I’ve ever read. (the one that made the biggest impact on my life)

It actually helped me to understand the dynamics that were occuring in our newly formed family.

As separate families, Mike has an oldest, a middle and a youngest. They are all girls.

I have an oldest and a youngest. My oldest is a boy, and my youngest is a girl.

Blended, it’s a bit more complicated. Vanessa and Ryan went to Kindergarten together, and are a month apart in age. They are both twelve. When blended, Ryan remained the same - as the oldest. Vanessa, although remaining the oldest girl, actually took a step down in the “birth order” range, with Ryan older than her. They compete often for that top spot. It’s gotten better, but it’s not where it needs to be just yet. Thankfully they have been friends since Kindergarten, so they share many of the same interests and also have different sets of friends, eliminating the need to always be in competition. This helps.

Then we move to Mike’s middle child. She has remained the middle child. Nothing changed for her, and she was the most adjusted. In fact, she’s happier now than she was a year ago. Major changes, but all for the better, and she accepted her role as a continued middle child with grace. She fits the entire picture of the typical middle child too. Good and bad.

Then we move to my daughter, my youngest - Brielle. And Mike’s youngest daughter, his youngest child - Jessica. Jessica remained the youngest when we blended. The baby of her former family, as well as her current. My daughter, truly the baby of our family in every way, shape and form, did not. This has been a struggle for her, since she is still the smallest in the family. She’s very tiny by nature, and Jessica has already grown taller than her, and wears bigger sizes of clothing. Jessica and Brielle however, couldn’t be closer.

Interestingly, the two that have the most problems are Vanessa and Brielle. The two that changed places in their original birth order. Go figure.

Birth order is an important part of family dynamics. I began studying birth order, a couple of years ago. It was then I realized how important the roles we play in our families really is. Each of us, no matter if we are an only child, or we have grown up with a sibling or siblings, has a place in our family unit, that is effected by the order of our birth.

A short time after I began studying birth order and family dynamics, I began a relationship with someone, who much like me, already had children. When we finally began the merge of our two families together, knowing what birth order can mean in a family, was an important aspect of blending the two together. It truly played a vital role.

Although birth order is important in any family, it seemed much more important as we blended families. It allowed us to see how each child’s personalities worked, and how the impact of blending, as well as switching places in the birth order changes how they work and feel.

Many skeptics don’t think there is any truth to birth order. While I understand they might feel that way, there is conclusive proof that it does indeed play a role in a person’s personality. The skeptics can have their opinions, and I will have mine. I feel very confident that in our family, the dynamics are affected by each child’s original birth order and then the change of their place in the birth order.

Even my relationship with my significant other, has been shaped and molded and very clearly shows the effect of our birth order. He is a youngest, I am an oldest.

Now, I am not saying that some of our personality, is not developed or established at birth. No, clearly there are hereditary traits, which play a role in the whole personality spectrum. However, birth order defines how we handle those inherited traits.

It is very common for anger issues to be passed along. It has to do with how our brains are centrally wired. A youngest child typically handles anger by holding it inside. While vocal about many things, their anger isn’t usually one of them. They often react to anger by crying or throwing a tantrum. This stems from their place in the birth order absolutely – they are the youngest – the baby.

A middle child will hold it inside, and usually won’t react to most issues. They are often the peacemakers of the family, so if there is anger inside, they are easy to forgive and forget. It is not in their nature to remain angry.

Then there is the oldest child. Watch out for them. Their anger can often last for long periods. They are the type that often act out, can be aggressive when provoked in anger, and will hold a grudge for longer than one can imagine.

These are just typical behaviors, and not all children will handle things the same way, but there will be some consistency across the board.

I will be dissecting each birth order place holder, in later posts. It is my goal to help you better understand your child or children, how they are feeling and provide useful information, helpful suggestions and sound advice, to help improve your family dynamics. Even if you aren’t a blended family.

I have decided to spend a great deal of the month of May, discussing Birth Order and the habits, personalities and traits that seem to stem from this whole theory.

If you don’t want to read about it, just skip over it. If you do spend the time to read about it, you will be quite informed and quite educated and probably quite excited, because you will feel like, for the first time, you really understand your kid.

Hop on for the journey into Birth Order. It’s a fascinating ride!

Why did I start this blog?

It is simple really. Well, maybe not.

Two years ago, I was a single mom with two kids. A son, and a daughter, respectively. I was struggling along, writing articles about single parenting, helping other moms and dads out, fighting custody issues with friends who had them, and well, just generally focusing on the whole single parent life.

However, a short time later, I met this amazing, wonderful guy. And by the luck of the deal, he had three daughters of his own. After we moved in together, I immediately became the mother of five, and have been striving ever since to become a better parent to each one.

We both have custody of all five children, and they reside with us full time. Yes, we are one shy of the Brady Bunch. I love every moment of being a full time mom to five, and wouldn’t have it any other way. However, at times it can get complicated. 

This idea was born in November of 2006, when I just needed a place to vent and complain about being a mom from time to time. But what it became after that, was the need and the desire to learn everything I could about blended families.  

It is my desire, to share it with you. So hop on, it’s going to be a bumpy ride!