After I saw this on the ADHD Families website, I got to really thinking about ADHD and how it affects family. And it is by no means just a blended family. In fact, ADHD really can affect all types of relationships.

I have it. My son has it. My daughter has it. Nobody in our ‘new’ family has it. It was a blessing to have a man come into my life with extreme patience and understanding. He doesn’t always ‘get me’ but he sure tries. Mine is mostly managed as I am an adult and I find it much easier to fight and control off urges and other impulses than I did as a child. My son’s is horrible, however he is medicated so that helps tremendously. If he misses a does, I am not the only one that notices. He is miserable. (we don’t miss very often at all!) My daughter on the other hand, is NOT medicated and has a much milder case than either my son or I. However, she does have it and she is 10 and she has difficulty controlling her behavior, reading others reactions, sensing when she’s gone to far or thinking ahead very clearly.

How does this affect our blended family? Unfortunately, there are times when the kids will get into arguments, be angry with each other or something equally as irritating because of the action or actions of one of the children who has ADHD. My ADHD affects the family in that I tend to be scatter-brained one minute and the next I seem to be so put together, I believe it confuses the kids a lot. In addition I do tend to be impulsive still, yet I can control it better. Sometimes words tumble out of my mouth though, before thinking it through, and while thankfully for the most part I have never injured anyone with anything I have said, it still causes me problems.

You realize of course, that this is the same in any family dynamic. Whether it be a blended or step family, or a couple living together or a mom, dad and child. ADHD really can be a problem, and it takes special people to learn more about it, try and understand it, and be patient.

Does ADHD affect you in your family dynamic?

I wasn’t going to do another post on this subject, because I seriously thought that it might be too much dealing with one particular thing or subject.

Instead what I realized by the original post, and the comments and emails I have been getting ever since, is that it is a problem that a lot of families face, and it might be helpful to delve into it a bit more.

First, you need to review your situation. You need to look at it from all angles, and be sure that there really is a problem. What I mean is, are you sure that there are children who aren’t getting as much as others? Are you looking at all sides of this? For instance, it might seem as if some of the kids are getting all these gifts from extended family members, but don’t the other kids have extended family members that also might spoil the children?

Are there times when certain children are at home with you, while others are away, and that might be spoiled a little in other ways?

For instance, I tend to do more with my children when the step-kids are visiting their mom every other weekend. We go out for ice cream, sometimes to dinner, we might take in a movie or visit the zoo or something else. While it might not see like a gift, it is special time with my children and the other kids are not involved at that point because they are off with their own mother.

Or does it seem like maybe you cannot do these things with your children, and maybe it is when the step-kids are away - they are the ones being spoiled. Sometimes this cannot be controlled and building a healthy relationship with your own children should be foremost in your mind.

You might be surprised to learn that even just sitting down and reading or doing crafts with your kids will make them happier than getting gifts.
Take a walk, play a game, watch a movie snuggled together (yes even with older kids), etc. You need to teach your children that gifts are not everything, the gift of time and love is far more important than any old monetary thing. Now, with all of that said, it is still difficult for younger children to appreciate that. So I will delve further into that in a future article.

Have a happy day!

I homeschool my oldest (and only) son but my four daughters attend public school. There are dozens of reasons, why we do it this way, but for me it was mostly academic and situational. On a message board I am on, a lady got the following letter from the school her child attends. I snipped only the important parts, because I want to paste my reply to her and also get others opinions on the whole thing.

As a school, we have been studying how to assess learning in a better way. We have been using some Thursday mornings to professionally develop ourselves on this topic. Furthermore, I recently attended a conference with 17 faculty members from TITLE OF SCHOOL entitled, “Sound Grading Practices”. We attended two days worth of workshops that helped us to see how we could vastly improve our current grading practices to help students be more motivated, become more confident as learners, and to achieve at higher levels. Among the sound grading practices we learned about include, but are not limited to:

Eliminating the use of zeros and 50’s for late work. Students should do ALL the work assigned, and a zero/50 does not allow a student to show what he or she really knows. The goal is to hold students responsible for the work until it is completed. Teachers may use an incomplete in place of a grade until the work is done. This will be done with limits and guidance, of course, but the overall goal is to create an accurate and clear picture of student achievement.

Offering descriptive feedback on ALL work intended for a grade. This allows students to correct and improve their work BEFORE they receive a grade. This is using formative assessments (generates information students can use to improve while learning is in progress) instead of using all summative assessments (measuring how much learning has taken place AFTER lessons and practices are complete—in other words, a final grade). Students still receive grades, of course—but AFTER they have had a chance to improve their work with descriptive feedback.

Removing behavior and other non-academic characteristics (effort, participation, attitude, etc…) from the grade a student receives. These are behaviors and not part of the intended learning for the course. The grade should accurately represent the learning tied to the courses students take, and these behaviors “cloud” what the true grade is. No more “fluff” grades, such as getting a 100 for bringing Kleenex or getting a letter signed—this causes grade inflation and distorts a true picture of achievement. Also, grades should not be used as a punishment. For example, if a student is caught cheating, he receives a consequence for the behavior of cheating, but not a zero—he should be held responsible for the cheating, but should be asked to complete the work anyway.

Allowing multiple chances for mastery. All students learn differently and need to be allowed the time and support to improve. Students should be allowed multiple chances to retest/rewrite/redo, with limits and guidance of course, until they demonstrate mastery of the intended learning.

Here is my reply back. I guess I just see more of a benefit than she does, because she seemed upset by it. The replies she received seemed more positive than negative so that’s good, but still….. I am not sure that I can see how this would be bad for anyone at all.

I am sure this is so not what you are intending to hear, but I think this is one of the best ideas I have ever heard implemented into a school. I only wish our school would follow suit and before my children leave it.

Behavior should never be a part of a grade. Period. That does not at all show the academic knowledge that a child has obtained. Whether in elementary or high school. Period. In elementary school the two grades are separate. The letter grade reflects the knowledge the student demonstrates. The behavior grade is a E - excellent, M - Meets expectations (sometimes an S which indicates Satisfactory) an I = Improvement Needed or a P = Poor. There is also a box located next to this on every report card or progress report sent home in which the teacher can define more clearly. Typically it is only used with an I or a P letter grade. Why could this not be used in upper grades?

Next, the zero/50 thing. I love that idea. A child misses an assignment, they get a 0%. They take a test, they get a 100%. Yet they fail the two combined. This seems totally unrealistic when looking at their academic growth. I do think a child should be accountable for a missed assignment. I think a child should be punished with an appropriate action for the offense, and I do not think that receiving a 0% is correct. This does not give a good grasp to the child’s learning. Instead it doesn’t show the child is learning anything when you look at the overall letter grade, which is what appears on the report cards and progress reports. There isn’t a breakdown, so if your child comes home with a D or F you think they need extra attention in the subject matter when this is not the case. Our middle school implements something called working lunches. If a child misses an assignment, the teacher places their name on a list and at the beginning of their lunch hour, their name is called for a working lunch. They are to sit at a specific table or tables and complete the assignment during lunch. I actually love this approach. I think it allows the child to complete the assignment to the best of their ability (showing their true academic knowledge of the subject material) while isolating them from their friends and their free time (the punishment).

I am a homeschooling mom of ONE, and a public school mom of four. Yes, I have one that is home with me being homeschooled. He is gifted and we are working on eighth grade material and he would be in 7th grade at school. I love the freedom and flexibility that this has allowed him. He can move at his own pace, I can work on certain material until I am certain of mastery (since like others have mentioned -children learn at different paces - period!) and we can move ahead to new subjects that he has moved beyond.

Now, with my four in public school, I have three in elementary - one of whom is gifted. I have one in middle school who is gifted and until this year (7th grade) was in the gifted program since 2nd or 3rd grade. She elected herself to drop it because she felt she wasn’t learning anything special nor was it helping her succeed academically anywhere else. (one of the reasons I chose to keep my son out). I see the homework that these children bring home. It is absolutely insane, and overall I have a bad taste for public schools. Ours is a blended family so three of these children are not mine by birth, and we have full custody of them. The other one is my daughter, and while I am contemplated pulling her out and homeschooling her (she is in 4th grade) I see no reason at this point. She gets straight A’s and is doing well. The only part she struggles with is the social aspect of school. Her behavior is wonderful but she tends to be a helper, takes on leadership roles with a vengeance and typically outsmarts most of her peers. The problem is, they pick on her because of this, while I, as the parent am extremely proud of her accomplishments and her skills.

I actually think implementing this type of system into the schools, would honestly show the true value of our children’s knowledge and not based on some strange percentage of behavior, attendance, homework and school work. All should have a place, but not as one single grade.

I am very sorry that you don’t like the new system they are trying to implement, but I would do almost anything to have that very system placed into any school my children attend. It might even make me less likely to homeschool my oldest, and allow him to return to public school. However, since I know its not happening, I will happily homeschool him and he will hopefully go on to do amazing things. His dream goal in life? To become a marine biologist. Do you know any other thirteen year olds with that goal? I’m so proud of him.

I hope you adjust to the new way things are. I hate change too, but I promise that everything I read sounds like a wonderful system and your child should thrive under that.

I was pleased this morning to sign on and see some of the original negatives who thought more about it return to positives and realize that this would really help a lot of kids. Now, I just wish the school were closer!

At this point in the game you are ready to learn about a few transitions that seem to work. Now, I don’t live with you, I don’t even know you - so I won’t pretend that all of these will work for every family. In fact, it will all depend on the child, the home life and the day of the week or time of the day that the child is returned home.

The first thing you want to do is think about transitions. The definition of transition is: Passage from one form, state, style, or place to another. Many children have problems with transition, and some you would never even notice. It is the children who have difficulty with changes that are usually affected the most.

Once you have figured out how the whole transitional phase works, you need to focus on making the transition as easy as possible. This will vary for each family and each situation.

For us, one of the things that we noticed is that each child handled it differently. One came home and couldn’t wait to be as close to us as she could. Another came home and withdrew, opting for time in her room away from everyone. The other was quiet, slightly withdrawn but more so from being so overly exhausted.

The one thing I hated was the fact that the one child withdrew. I didn’t understand that for awhile, and maybe I still don’t totally understand her need to withdraw, but we did work around it and it is working beautifully for us.

Typically, when they return home now, we try to do something. We might run to the grocery store, go grab a bite to eat, we might run to someones house, go out for ice cream or other special treat or we might just go out and run a few errands, but the point is to get the child focused on something else, rather than their return home. A few times when the weather hasn’t been real great or we haven’t wanted to to anywhere, we will rent/buy a movie that everyone really wanted to see, pop up some popcorn and have some cookies and keep everyone entertained. This can work too.

A child should never be made to feel bad about how they are feeling. This was something I had to work on, because while I don’t understand her need to withdraw, I have to respect it. It should be noted however, that since we have made the attempt to change the transition and have something planned to do, it has been much better. She might still return in a quiet mood, but within ten minutes of being on our way or participating in a new activity, she opens up and is herself. Sometimes I wonder how it must feel, to leave one parent and return to the other. Children don’t choose divorce. (except in the case of my son which is a story for another time). They must be made to live with it, and deal with it, and its just a whole lot of crap and turmoil placed on tiny shoulders to bare. It makes me very sad to realize what it does to the kids, but knowing how to make it better can change a negative situation into a positive, bonding time.

Over the course of the past six months that we have been working with the RTR (return home reaction) and trying to find ways to deal with it and make it better for them, I have seen a real growth. They are beginning to see that we want the best for them, that we want them to be happy and that no matter how they feel, we still love them. Perhaps every child in this situation wonders what will change while they are gone. Perhaps they are afraid of what they might find when they return. For us, the mother abandoned the children years ago for a period of time. This abandonment is surely what causes the moodiness that we see, probably wondering if I will leave, or dad will be different. That won’t happen and we strive to make it a reality for them.

Patience. Time. Effort. Love. These are four extremely important factors in any type of custody issues. Whether it is dealing with visitation, or it is dealing with all the crud that comes at the start of a divorce. A child should always come first, and knowing that is your key - your ticket to creating a happy, healthy homelife.

If you have any questions, feel free to contact me. I’d love to chat.

For the other sections of this article see:

Custody: When They Return - Reviewing The Situation

Custody: When They Return - Taking a Deeper Look

Custody: When They Return - Transitions That Work

First, try to take a step back and look at it from their angle. If you know the types of things that go in the other parents home, if you know the activities they did while they were visiting, etc. then you might already have some answers.

Let’s take a look at our situation to compare. When my step kids return home on Sunday night after a weekend visit, they always look terrible. In fact, most of the time they look sick. It took me awhile to figure out why, but now I know. They don’t sleep well. There are many reasons for this, but one of them is that they get to go to bed whenever. Have you ever told an eight year old she could go to bed whenever she wants? Uhm. Didn’t think so. So stacked with that knowledge, the first thing I could determine was that they were always VERY exhausted when they got home. This meant no strenuous activities. (Last summer we took them to the lake/beach to swim on a Sunday evening after they arrived home - and while I admit they had fun, it was really hard the next day.)

Another situation that we deal with is the fact that they wonder what they are missing here when they are there. You can normally tell when they have been active all weekend, because they will come home rambling about every detail and happily share their adventures. However, if they spent the majority of the weekend doing nothing, they usually clam up and get very quiet when they return home. It took me some time to figure out that it was because they were trying to learn what we had done over the weekend. Had we gone anywhere fun, had we done anything that they might have enjoyed? One more than one occasion - we have. That has been hard for them, because it makes them feel guilty towards both parents. Guilty for wishing they could have been with the other parent, instead of sitting around doing nothing. Guilty for making the choice to spend the weekend with the other parent, and not participate with the rest of us in an activity. It is gut wrenching when you really sit and look at it. The turmoil that these kids endure, wanting to please both parents, yet not wanting to disappoint the other while doing it.

It is imperative to take that deeper look at your child and see what situations might make them different when they return home. Once you are garnered with that information, it is time to move onto the next step. For the record, this could take a lot of weeks to accomplish. What you are looking for is situational consistency. You want to see if when the situations are the same on more than once occasion, that the child or children are consistent with their behavior or RHR. (return home reaction). The reason for this, is that some kids actually do fine bouncing back and forth and you would never know anything was wrong. Still other kids might have a hard time once in awhile but not every time. You might wish to review when these things happen so that you don’t over-react or under-react accordingly.

Read the next section of this article.

For the other sections of this article see:

Custody: When They Return - Reviewing The Situation

Custody: When They Return - Taking a Deeper Look

Custody: When They Return - Transitions That Work

I haven’t touched on a lot of custody or divorce issues, simply because the focus of this blog is supposed to be on blended families, step families and the uniting of two established families. Period.

However, the thing is - custody is a big part of a blended family, step family or otherwise when it involves children on one or both sides. I have been divorced for seven years, separated for eight (in fact I left him in March 2000). I have been through the custody thing, I have been through the arguments, and I have been through the visitations and vacations, that when they return - it is almost like getting a different child back.

For years I thought that I must be the only mom who went through that. I never heard anyone else talk about it. However, now I have three step daughters who see their mother once a week. It is a whole new custody/visitation scenario. One day a week she comes up and has dinner with them and takes them to the library. She arrives somewhere after 6pm most of the time, and you never know when they will return home. Sometimes it will be the earlier part of 7 o’clock hour. Other times it will be 8:45pm. And way back, it used to sometimes be close to 9:30pm which was difficult for us because the girls go to bed at 9:30pm and it was a situation I don’t want to return to. Thankfully mom worked with us, and we are doing much better. However, the inconsistencies of bringing them home at different times, still needs some serious fine tuning. They also see her every other weekend. She arrives sometime after 6pm, sometimes closer to 7pm and returns them home whenever she feels like it the evening of Sunday night. Joyous!

But I’m not here to discuss bedtimes, and times they come home and whatever else. (that’s a whole other post, and perhaps sometime I will touch on that.) This post, while titled when they return, is more about the transition of returning than the time of returning.

If you are the person the child lives with most of the time, the one that they consider “home”, have you ever watched them after they have returned home? Have you ever noticed peculiar behavior? Perhaps they seem withdrawn, or snippy? It is different for all children, but if you ever thought “Hey, where’s MY child?” when you looked at them after returning home, there are a few things you can do to help the situation.

Read the next section of this article.

For the other sections of this article see:

Custody: When They Return - Reviewing The Situation

Custody: When They Return - Taking a Deeper Look

Custody: When They Return - Transitions That Work

Dealing with the situations that can arise from time to time, especially around holidays and birthdays, is a bit different for blended families than it is for a traditional family. This is a new problem to us, as we didn’t face any issues prior to this past Christmas - either that or we just didn’t notice until this year.

This Christmas however, was different in a lot of ways. Suddenly we are noticing a huge difference in the places that the children get gifts. In other words, there is a noticeable difference in amounts of gifts for the children. Some receive gifts from extended family members while others do not. This can be so hard for the children involved to understand, but it is bound to happen in a blended family household.

It is important to note that there is actually nothing wrong with it, and gift givers should not be discouraged from giving gifts to the children in their lives, nor should they be expected to include any children that they are not comfortable including.

One way I dealt with it the first Christmas we were together, and didn’t realize I had done it, was to ask my mom and dad to do just as much more my step-kids as she does for my kids. I knew that this would be taking away from their (my children) Christmas, but it was important that the others feel wanted and included and not feel left out. At least it was important to me. It worked well and everyone was happy, including my own children who didn’t seem to notice at all.

What evolved over time though, is that my step children were now receiving gifts from extended family members on their side of the family which amounted to twice as many gifts at Christmas as my own children received. Understandably children were upset and jealous. So it was time to revamp things a bit. I discussed the situation with my parents again, and this time we concluded that it would be beneficial that we not take away any more of my children’s traditional gifts as they had already lost out, but that instead of doing so much for my step-children, a couple of nice gifts would be more than sufficient.

I can tell you without hesitation that this Christmas, while strangely the first noticeable time that this occurred, was also the best Christmas yet. My children exhibited no jealousy, no hurt feelings when my step children received gifts from people who had not sent gifts for my children. At the same time, my step-kids additionally did not feel upset or jealous when my children seemingly received more than them from my own parents and family members that include them in the holidays. It was a really healthy and needed experience for all involved.

No matter what your situation is, it is not difficult to modify traditions or situations to make it fair for all those involved. Additionally, it is not a negative thing to re-evaluate the way things are and change what is needed. Children learn by example, so teaching them early on, that sometimes life is unfair and sometimes people will receive things that they won’t, is just a lesson that needs to be learned. A gentle reminder of what they get that their step-siblings don’t get doesn’t hurt either.

Continue this practice beyond Christmas and into birthdays and other events where gift-giving is a part of. You will find a happier, healthier blended family.

Sometimes I think the whole reason I started this blog was to vent. LOL It really wasn’t. It was originally intended for me to help others going through what I had gone through or was going through. Except now I just like to use it to vent LOL I promise that wasn’t the intention.

So, another situation with the donut and coke eating kid. You know, the teen princess?
It’s 10:15pm right? And she comes to the door of our bedroom directing her entire plea at me. Which while I wish I could be flattered about, and I’m trying to be patient about, I’m the one that gets the most irritated with her and I don’t get why she keeps coming to me. In her daddy’s eyes, she’s perfect. Oh yes blogging friends, she is absolutely the most perfect thirteen year old girl in the whole world and we should seriously consider canonizing her. No - really, we should. At least if you asked her dad, I think he would say. Sadly, my daughter and his other two daughter’s have totally noticed. So has my son. I even blogged about when I wondered How many kids you really had?

Anyway, so she’s now almost in tears telling us she cannot find a worksheet that she has to turn in tomorrow or she’ll get a detention. I find this odd, because most teachers don’t just give detentions to 7th graders for one missed assignment. Especially a very very good student who honestly does her homework regularly and doesn’t get in trouble. She’s usually a great kid.

So now we have to scramble around the house to find this damn thing. Again, I reiterate - it’s 10:15pm.

After 5 minutes of frantic searching in the living room and her bedroom, she decides to look in her book bag. Guess where it was? Yep. So I noticed as she waves it in our face that it is empty. Did you hear me? EMPTY! She didn’t do it yet. That was what she was getting ready to do in her room. She was going to go use a flashlight and do the rest of her homework. *sigh*

Does he get mad at her? Does he say a word to her? No. Nothing. No emotion. No reaction. Nothing. Nada. Silence.

I can assure you that if it was anyone else in this house he would be extremely irritated. Plus, she shares her room with an 8 year old that I quite honestly think should be sound asleep at this point!

I decided not to say a word. The problem is, the tension between us sucks. I’m mad at her. He is oblivious to the whole thing. So I get nowhere. Period. GRRRRRRR…… Step Parenting is just not easy work. Even when I make it sound like its rewarding. It really is just always work. There is never a time where I think it gets easier. New situations arise and you are dealing with something new. I think I’m just gonna go to sleep.