I am sure it doesn’t take a brain surgeon to figure out how all those things can combine to make one complete disaster. Yeah.

So I get this call yesterday from a number I didn’t recognize. I let the machine get it. I was surprised to hear my son’s voice since he is at camp, but they did tell us they let them call home whenever they want - it is the sponsors choice, and my son’s sponsor rocks!
First thing - I need to tell my son he needs to talk slower. I couldn’t actually get the phone on fast enough before he hung up. So I called right back. No answer. I continued calling for about two hours off and on, because I know the cell phones get bad receptions out there, so I was hoping the sponsor might at least look at his phone and see that some crazy lady had called his phone at least a half dozen times.

Finally my son called back. Now, first off - he was not the one that wanted to go to camp. If he could have sat in his bedroom and read books all summer he’d have been perfectly alright with that. Yeah. Not happening on my watch. So off to camp he went. I am happy to report that his teenage self is doing great and he is having fun. He actually has a couple of friends he is hanging with, and that in itself makes me smile and know I made the right choice.

However, he was calling with a mission. He got hit in the nose/eye/somewhere up there with a water balloon hard enough that it caused a bloody nose and his eye looks all red and puffy. Camp nurse informed him that he might end up with a black eye. I’m thinking probably not, but I’m glad they encouraged him to call home to tell me just so that I do know. Anyway, he was fine and was really talkative (which means he is having fun) and seems happy.

Guess what they ate for dinner last night? Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes and spice cake. WHAT?!?!?! They ate better than us! I’m jealous. I asked how my step-daughter was making out there, but he said she’s ignoring him. Ahhh…sibling happiness. Just gotta love it. So I am assuming she is just fine, and I know he is just fine, so life is uhm….. almost normal.

Only three more days and they are back. Why couldn’t sleep away camp be longer than six days five nights? Why?!?!

Well, we got the kiddo’s off to camp today. The two oldest left this morning for teen camp so we have the other three home still. They go to the same camp in July.

My step-daughter was funny this morning. She told me that she had a dream that we couldn’t get her to camp and she didn’t go, and she woke up halfway crying because she has been so excited to go. Totally the opposite of my son who would have rather stayed home, but was kinda made to go. They are both 13 in case you are wondering. And yes, it’s sleepaway.

Oh! Bit of advice - if you are taking your children to drop them off somewhere you’ve never been for them to leave on a bus to go to a camp you’ve never been, that is a few hours away from your town and you decide to leave the house at 9am because they are supposed to be there at 10am, and it takes about 40 minutes to get to the destination you need to drop them off at because that is what the camp sponsor told you. And you are relying on Yahoo maps to get you there because again, you’ve never been to this church before and it’s supposed to be 40 minutes away. Don’t. Seriously. Do not (I repeat, DO NOT) rely on Yahoo Maps. We wound up 45 minutes East of where we needed to be! In fact, we wound up right where my son went to 5th grade camp several years ago. Yeesh!

We arrived at the church at 11:08am. An hour and 8 minutes after they asked us to be there. All the while of this agonizing 2 hours of horror, I am calling all four phone numbers that they gave me to call, and NOBODY is answering any of them - people why do you have a cell phone if you won’t answer it! I had to stop at this tiny gas station in the smallest po-dunk town, and lemme just tell you - these people were absolutely sweet!!

They enlisted customers, 411 information, and they used what little information I was able to give to them and a very old, incomplete map hanging on the back wall to piece together enough information to get us there. I left that gas station at 10:52am.

We were literally praising God when we arrived at the church and the bus was still there. So, the two kids are gone and it’s actually pretty quiet around here with only three. But we did take full advantage of the rest of the day and went fishing (caught nothing), had a campfire, ate a dinner that the other two picky eaters won’t eat, and enjoyed root beer floats to round out the whole day.

I’m actually exausted. Now I’m sippin’ a Strawberry Margarita (which I don’t do often) and am about to hit the hay! Catch ya later!

Happy Father’s Day to all you dads!

We almost have every gift we need. I forgot how hard it is shopping for five children with different tastes, wishes, lists and desires.

Our oldest boy didn’t actually ask for anything this Christmas. Well, actually he asked my mom for two things, but didn’t tell us anything, so he proved to be a bit more challenging. We finally settled on a stereo, because…well…he’s 13. Santa will bring it though.

The oldest girl is a manga, origami loving artist. She is so creative. Santa is bringing her some roller blades that she has been wanting for a long time, and we’re giving her a whole bunch of origami stuff and some manga drawing books.

The middle girl is our writer. Just like her step-mama. We bought her an alpha-smart for her birthday so we were trying to locate a case for her. That hasn’t happened yet. She’s also a monkey lovin’ Bobby Jack wearin’ kid. So we decked her out in some serious duds.

The second youngest girl (my youngest) is a born rider. Everything horse. In fact, there isn’t one thing for her under that tree that doesn’t scream horse or “I’m a rider!”. (not literally of course). Except the roller skates Santa is bringing. She really wanted those.

The very youngest (his youngest) girl is a pig lovin’ wannabe cheerleader. So we got her some cheer stuff, pig stuff and well, she’s easy. She’s getting skates from Santa too.

Woohoo! Just a few more odds and ends like stocking stuffers and we are DONE!

How are you doing?

My step-daughter met Aunt Flo today at school. She didn’t tell me until about twenty minutes ago and went the whole day with nothing. What are kids thinking? She had plenty of opportunities to say something, and I even grabbed her from school early to get her hair cut and styled for her concert tonight.

I have mixed emotions about the whole thing. Part of me is freaking out, I didn’t think I was going to have to go through this for a long time. My daughter is only nine. But then when I became a part of a blended family I should have reminded myself. I was prepared without being totally prepared. She was just standing there and it just poured out of her mouth like word vomit, and I kept thinking, this is a bad dream.

On the other hand, I am absolutely thrilled. She came to me. She talked to me. She wanted me. Not her mother. I must be doing something right. You see, she’s 13. She’s also been through a lot because when her mother abandoned them, she went though a period of extreme mourning and depression. She was a mess when I came into her life as a pseudo-step mom. She’s a totally different girl two years later and I am amazed and proud.

She was with her mom tonight at her concert, which at any point she could have told her or talked to her. She even could have come to her dad, but then that’s weird for a girl, so I get that part. But she actually sought me out.

Our little girl, the oldest girl - She’s growing up.

(oh, and it totally clarifies her odd behavior lately that was about to kill me. Mood swings, anger issues, laziness. Check. Check. and Check.)

I think for any step-mom or step-mom to be, one of the biggest challenges is earning the other parents child’s trust and love. And it isn’t something that is simple either. It is something that over time, might develop naturally, but most of the time it requires hard work and dedication by the step-parent.

In my situation, I had to earn the love and trust of three girls. When I met their father he had a 6 year old, a 9 year old and a 11 year old. Personally, at that time I had a 7 year old and an 11 year old. Girl and Boy, respectfully.

The problem was, my little family of three had been divorced from their dad for several years. In fact, my daughter has no recollection of living with her father at any time. She was two when I left. My son was five.

But these girls were still licking fresh wounds. Cut deep by a mother’s abandonment. And while I get along well with her, I will never ever be able to comprehend how she could have done that to these beautiful children.

It was easy to earn the middle child’s love. All she wanted was attention, and I was full of that. It was easy to love her. She is an excellent student, a sweet girl and honestly any parents dream child. I kid you not, the child does not lie. She’s a godsend.

The next easiest was the youngest. She is energetic, carefree and full of so much comical ability, she almost explodes. She is a sweet kid too, and was the first to admit she liked me. In fact, she is the one that often times tells me she can’t wait until daddy and I get married so I can be a real mom. That’s sweet, and I proudly take the role, but they still do have a mother.

The oldest child provided a challenge. Angry and resentful at her mother for leaving, yet yearning for her love and acceptance broke her. She was a mess when I moved in, and she took a lot of coaxing, working with, talking and just letting her cry when she needed to and letting her know I understood, while still setting boundaries and rules. I worried the most about V. I couldn’t help it. I had known her since she was in Kindergarten and the child that belonged to the man I loved was not the same little girl I had known all those years, for very obvious reasons. However, after almost two years together, I got my solid proof this past week on a vacation, that she truly loves me and respects me.

Normally she takes her mom over anyone and we just live with that fact. I’m happy that she loves her mom and was able to forgive her for leaving (the middle child has not hit the forgiveness road just yet, but she thinks more clearly than the oldest does and sees exactly what her mother did). This past week V chose me and leaving for our vacation early. At first I just thought it was because we were going on a trip. I mean, who wouldn’t want to leave early and do that right?

Except on the way down there (we just got back home tonight), I talked to them. I told them it felt weird to leave home without dad (he was coming down on Thanksgiving because he had to work). But that I thought it was way cool that they trusted me this much to leave on a vacation with just me for several days. She confirmed what I had hoped for (as did everyone else, but coming from her it spoke volumes since she normally is pretty reserved with how much of her feelings she will admit). She confirmed that spending time with me was fun and that she knew I would keep them safe while we had tons of fun. That she liked spending time with me. That they knew I was serious when I set down rules (of which they had none of before I came along) but that I did it to keep them safe and protected. Pretty cool to hear from a 13 year old. She also admitted that she had been looking forward to just the six of us (without dad - but I think that’s another post). She has on occasion in the past few months mumbled “I love you” when I come say goodnight to everyone. But the security that was evident in her eyes this past week, and the fact that she wanted to be with me constantly and found every thing I did or showed them completely fascinating and never boring or “parentish” is just further solidification in my mind that I have succeeded as a step parent.

Doesn’t it feel good when it finally dawns?

Well, at least it was until two months back. Now a horse is much more than just a horse in this household.

Let me preface this entire post by saying that some of my very best friends are teachers and I widely respect teacher’s as a whole…but here is what is driving me nuts.

Ok, amongst my various titles as a mother:

Mom
Chef
Maid
Housekeeper
Taxi Cab Driver
Referee
Nurse
Coach
Tutor

I am now expected to basically continue to be a teacher. I have five children. What is the deal with teacher’s sending home assignments for mom and dad to do? Is it not enough that I cook for, clean up after, do laundry for, play with, and spend time with my children? I now have to be more than just an “after school tutor”?

Last year, my youngest daughter Jessica was assigned a Social Studies assignment in second grade that entailed her father and I, running all over the place taking pictures of street signs and traffic signs. It was then to be assembled into a book and I quite honestly cannot remember what we were supposed to do after that. Why? Because we didn’t do it. Why should we send in 50 school supplies off of a list at the start of the year and then proceed to have to print out photos, which hello - ink is not cheap, and neither is film processing for those that still use film cameras! Why must homework assignments involve parents to this extreme?

I have no problem sitting down with my daughters and son and helping them with worksheets, or to understand a math assignment or science report. What I have a problem with, is when I have to do these things that cost me additional money, cost me time away from four other children (yes we could have turned it into a family thing but nobody else thought it was fun either), and constantly takes my time away from things that matter to all of us.

Here is the latest assignment.

Same daughter Jessica who is now in third grade, comes home about a week ago with this package that is called “Science Buddies”. I’m rolling my eyes in expectation of something I’m going to be annoyed at, because as she handed it to me, in a sing songy voice she says “You have homework”. Like hell I do!

Sure enough, once a month we will be Science buddies. Oh yippee! Someone please hold me back because I might start doing back flips I’m just so flippin’ excited. Apparently this is due tomorrow and we ignored it until tonight. So now tonight we get to cut a circle out of a coffee filter and using a black NON permanent marker we get to make a line on it. Then we get to dunk it into a cup of water. Oh the joy. And then we get to make predictions about what is going to happen and fill out this five question lab report. I predict that I’m going to be greatly annoyed before, during and after this project! Think the prediction is right? And just think, I don’t even need an experiment OR lab report to let you all know that!

ETA: Oh! and my coffee maker has a built in filter. So guess what we got to go buy? Yep coffee filters, just so we could use ONE of them. What the heck am I going to do with the other 199? Please don’t say make sun catchers and butterflies. I was a preschool teacher, I’ve made enough of those and my children would not be in the least bit amused. LOL

The definition of a blended family, is the combing of two or more separate family units, to create one new family. Typically these occur with divorces, re-marriages and sometimes even the death of one or more parents.   

When you blend families, no matter who’s home you decide to blend in, more than likely, changes need to occur. And not just with the house itself.

Children will need to share rooms, toys, books, friends, and even siblings and parents.

Personalities and ways of living will surely clash.

Parents will have to learn to work together on discipline, schedules, attention, problems, schooling, rules and other important matters.

Is there a right way or a wrong way to do it? Not exactly. Too bad there isn’t a rule book, right?

But there are some tips that can help.

• Try to maintain as much of your normal routine as possible during the transition and make changes, slowly. Dropping classes, lessons or regular activities, will make the child resentful towards the new family. “If my mom had never married James, I would still be taking Karate lessons. It’s just not fair.”
• Encourage children to keep the lines of communication open. Allow them to express their disappointments, frustrations and problems with the adjustment. Getting children to talk can help them learn to express themselves better and not keep feelings bottled up inside, where they are sure to grow and mutate until one day, they are unleashed on an unsuspecting individual. This can create a bigger problem. Allow each child to feel safe coming to you and expressing themselves.
• Be objective and fair. Do not always assume, that since Johnny has a history of misbehavior, that everytime Julie says Johnny did something, that it is the gospel truth - even if Julie has never lied before. Transitions can make children, who are otherwise good natured, turn into creatures from the blue lagoon. Perfect pricess Julie, might make things up or view the situation differently than Johnny did. Do not criticize a child or discipline a child in front of other children either, unless you include everyone in the lesson. “I have noticed a cup or two being left on the kitchen table after meals. I don’t care who is doing it, because I know that everyone here is guilty of doing it at least once or twice. Can you please try harder to remember to put the dishes in the sink when you are finished?
• Listen. Give positive advice. Don’t allow children to focus on the negative - because they will, however don’t always point out the positive, because what you, as parents, conceive as positive - is just not always the same for children. Try to help the child see all the different viewpoints. “Sure, there are some negatives Johnny, it’s really hard to share your books with Kade.  But, if you share your books with Kade, I bet he’ll share his mp3 player.” Encourage both children to be involved in choosing what is shared, and stay neutral when dealing with these situations.
• Give each child involved in the new blended family transition a little space. More than likely they will retreat to their rooms from time to time. More than likely they will still enjoy playing by themselves from time to time.
• If a child is having a paritcularly hard moment, consider getting them out of the situation. Perhaps take them on a walk to let off some steam and just talk. Or perhaps suggest that they read a book.
• Be sure to spend one on one time with each child involved, not just your own. This is important for bonding with not only biological children, but the new children you are now parenting. Show children that you are fun, fair and love them unconditionally, even when you have to enforce a rule or discipline. Spending that bonding time will allow children a chance to get to know you, or for your biological children to still feel close to you. They are, afterall, sharing you with new people now.
• Remind children that sharing our stuff is important, but allow some flexibility and choices in what items they are comfortable sharing. If Kathy got a beautiful dress from Grandma, and she simply cannot bear to share it with her new step-sister, do not force the issue. However, do not allow a child to go overboard in what they are willing to share and what they are not willing to share. Perhaps pointing out when one child shares something is a good idea. For instance: Melanie, that was really sweet of you to lend Tara your earrings. It’s so nice when people share with each other. Tara, did you remember to thank Melanie? It sure was nice of her.
• If two or more children from different families must share a room, be sure to consider each child’s feelings in regard to the room. The child who’s room it used to be exclusively, is going to feel as if there is an intruder. And the child who enters the new room, is going to feel like it isn’t his or her room. Be aware of each situation and try to be sympathetic. Help the child new to the room, to make the room more his or her own. Help the child who is already a resident of that room to feel more comfortable sharing it. Perhaps you could go on a shopping trip and pick out new bedding or a special picture for each child for the wall. Helping the children to feel as if they have some say so over what the room is like, will help make it easier for everyone involved.

There are dozens of other tips that I can share, and I will in time. But these seem to be the most important to remember on regular basis. They are the lifetips that nobody told me beforehand, but that I figured out fast and have consistently kept our new family going strong.

Have a question? Leave a comment. I’ll be happy to respond.