Brielle I can hardly believe that ten years have passed since they placed you in my arms. I cried, and cried. You were a gift, the answer to my prayers. I had my precious little boy and then, at that moment - I was complete. I had my beautiful baby girl. God has blessed me with you.

You were the first person I ever met that looked like me. That meant more than you could ever understand in your ten little years. But you have become one of my very favorite people in the world.

I have watched you grow and change over the years, and I think you are amazing. I think you have gifts that you yourself are still unaware of. I think you march to the beat of your very own drum, and I admire that. I also think that your dreams are slowly coming true each day that passes as you become more in tuned with the horses and your riding capabilities. You are amazing to watch. I hope that every dream you have will come true.

I love you today and always. You are my angel, my baby, my little girl. But most of all, you’ll always be my twinkie.

Happy 10th Birthday Sweetheart!

My step-daughter met Aunt Flo today at school. She didn’t tell me until about twenty minutes ago and went the whole day with nothing. What are kids thinking? She had plenty of opportunities to say something, and I even grabbed her from school early to get her hair cut and styled for her concert tonight.

I have mixed emotions about the whole thing. Part of me is freaking out, I didn’t think I was going to have to go through this for a long time. My daughter is only nine. But then when I became a part of a blended family I should have reminded myself. I was prepared without being totally prepared. She was just standing there and it just poured out of her mouth like word vomit, and I kept thinking, this is a bad dream.

On the other hand, I am absolutely thrilled. She came to me. She talked to me. She wanted me. Not her mother. I must be doing something right. You see, she’s 13. She’s also been through a lot because when her mother abandoned them, she went though a period of extreme mourning and depression. She was a mess when I came into her life as a pseudo-step mom. She’s a totally different girl two years later and I am amazed and proud.

She was with her mom tonight at her concert, which at any point she could have told her or talked to her. She even could have come to her dad, but then that’s weird for a girl, so I get that part. But she actually sought me out.

Our little girl, the oldest girl - She’s growing up.

(oh, and it totally clarifies her odd behavior lately that was about to kill me. Mood swings, anger issues, laziness. Check. Check. and Check.)

I don’t normally dish REALLY personal stuff here, but this time I might need a little help from my friends.

Yesterday, I mentioned that there was an issue that would require another post relating to dad.

Here’s the scoop on that:

While sitting at the breakfast counter on Thanksgiving morning, V was watching me prepare the dishes that needed to cook. She spent a great deal of time with me during this vacation and said plenty of beautiful things that solidified my place in her life and that I truly am important to her. However, she did say one thing that concerned me greatly and it is one of those things that normally I could go talk to dad about, but…. I can’t. It’s about him.

Quite casually, and almost out of nowhere, V says

“I kinda wish dad wasn’t coming ‘ya know?”

But then quickly followed it up with.

“But in a way I mean I’m kinda glad he is.”

I kept myself busy with preparing a green bean casserole dish because I honestly did not know what to say and I needed a few moments to think. The only thing I said was “It’s going to be super nice to have him get here. He’s missing out on all the fun.”

Unfortunately, ever since that conversation took place, I am just positive I could have taken that in another direction and actually talked to her about why she didn’t want him there. I’m sure in my own way I can figure out some of it. Dad works nights. Dad is tired a lot. Dad gets grumpy sometimes at normal things that normal people would never get grumpy at. HOWEVER, dad is also one of the most kid-like dads I have ever encountered. He is so much fun to be with, makes the kids laugh regularly, loves them like crazy and they never have to question that - ever. These kids adore their dad, so the comment sincerely surprised me, especially coming from her.

After spending the past four days since the words were uttered, thinking about it almost constantly, (obsess much Nicole?) I thought of something else. Sometimes dad and I play fight (yes everyone knows its playful fighting, I’m not going THERE with this). We hardly ever fight for real, so we make these totally silly arguments up and will throw pillows, water, food and other items or tickle each other. (okay I know we are like giant kids, but its funny and the kids totally crack up and join in on the fun). What I have noticed lately, is they ALL (yes that would be all five children) come to my defense every single time. They all protect me. Since it’s playful, I never thought about it much.

Except, if dad is acting grumpy to me for real, the kids notice and they tend to “mother” me in a way making it very clear who they “side” with, which I totally expect from my two.  When this occurs, they spend more time with me, they want to leave the house with me, but not dad. (this is not abusive or anything like that - its usually just grumpy mood stuff. Nothing bad at all!)

What the heck am I supposed to do? Am I doing something wrong? I need to help them want to be with their dad, and I encourage it all the time, but I feel as if I am doing something wrong.

And exactly how do I go about talking to him about it? The problem is, he already feels like they never come talk to him about anything. (they do, but he means the really important stuff.) But what I try to make him see is that they are all girls, so they tend to come to a girl (yeah - that’s me). So I don’t know what to do anymore. While I feel like I am succeeding big time as a step-parent, making leaps and bounds and plenty of love and respect, I feel like somewhere I have gone wrong.

What would you do?

I think for any step-mom or step-mom to be, one of the biggest challenges is earning the other parents child’s trust and love. And it isn’t something that is simple either. It is something that over time, might develop naturally, but most of the time it requires hard work and dedication by the step-parent.

In my situation, I had to earn the love and trust of three girls. When I met their father he had a 6 year old, a 9 year old and a 11 year old. Personally, at that time I had a 7 year old and an 11 year old. Girl and Boy, respectfully.

The problem was, my little family of three had been divorced from their dad for several years. In fact, my daughter has no recollection of living with her father at any time. She was two when I left. My son was five.

But these girls were still licking fresh wounds. Cut deep by a mother’s abandonment. And while I get along well with her, I will never ever be able to comprehend how she could have done that to these beautiful children.

It was easy to earn the middle child’s love. All she wanted was attention, and I was full of that. It was easy to love her. She is an excellent student, a sweet girl and honestly any parents dream child. I kid you not, the child does not lie. She’s a godsend.

The next easiest was the youngest. She is energetic, carefree and full of so much comical ability, she almost explodes. She is a sweet kid too, and was the first to admit she liked me. In fact, she is the one that often times tells me she can’t wait until daddy and I get married so I can be a real mom. That’s sweet, and I proudly take the role, but they still do have a mother.

The oldest child provided a challenge. Angry and resentful at her mother for leaving, yet yearning for her love and acceptance broke her. She was a mess when I moved in, and she took a lot of coaxing, working with, talking and just letting her cry when she needed to and letting her know I understood, while still setting boundaries and rules. I worried the most about V. I couldn’t help it. I had known her since she was in Kindergarten and the child that belonged to the man I loved was not the same little girl I had known all those years, for very obvious reasons. However, after almost two years together, I got my solid proof this past week on a vacation, that she truly loves me and respects me.

Normally she takes her mom over anyone and we just live with that fact. I’m happy that she loves her mom and was able to forgive her for leaving (the middle child has not hit the forgiveness road just yet, but she thinks more clearly than the oldest does and sees exactly what her mother did). This past week V chose me and leaving for our vacation early. At first I just thought it was because we were going on a trip. I mean, who wouldn’t want to leave early and do that right?

Except on the way down there (we just got back home tonight), I talked to them. I told them it felt weird to leave home without dad (he was coming down on Thanksgiving because he had to work). But that I thought it was way cool that they trusted me this much to leave on a vacation with just me for several days. She confirmed what I had hoped for (as did everyone else, but coming from her it spoke volumes since she normally is pretty reserved with how much of her feelings she will admit). She confirmed that spending time with me was fun and that she knew I would keep them safe while we had tons of fun. That she liked spending time with me. That they knew I was serious when I set down rules (of which they had none of before I came along) but that I did it to keep them safe and protected. Pretty cool to hear from a 13 year old. She also admitted that she had been looking forward to just the six of us (without dad - but I think that’s another post). She has on occasion in the past few months mumbled “I love you” when I come say goodnight to everyone. But the security that was evident in her eyes this past week, and the fact that she wanted to be with me constantly and found every thing I did or showed them completely fascinating and never boring or “parentish” is just further solidification in my mind that I have succeeded as a step parent.

Doesn’t it feel good when it finally dawns?

I cannot believe I have seen you through two birthdays already. It seems like only yesterday I arrived and became a part of your life. You accepted me from the very start. You never hesitate to tell me what a great mom I am to you, and that I am the best.

Such a lonely little girl back at the beginning, with all these amazing qualities locked behind your heart. I knew I wanted to love you from the start, and I had no idea I would love you more today than I would then. The girl you have become today is so much different than the girl you were then, and the changes become you greatly. You are a beautiful person both inside and out, and that is so very difficult to find in people these days.

You are 11 today, and I am so proud, so incredibly blessed to be celebrating it with you today. Always remember I love you!
Happy 11th Birthday Melissa!

It is only five days until we leave for Lake of the Ozarks. The kids are excited, I am excited and I am having a panic attack thinking of all I have to get done before we go.

Since our entire Thanksgiving feast will be prepared and cooked in a tiny condo kitchen I am having to pack mucho items from home. Ugh!

We are arriving two days early obviously to get settled and on Wednesday I think we will hop over to the Super Wally world to pick up a few last minute items, because once Turkey day hits, I’m screwed. LOL

Anyway, I will be scarce as I continue to pack my kids and family up. Oh, and we’re bringing the dog. LOL Max enjoyed it last time, only this time its a lot longer. Wish us luck!

Bet you don’t know what that is? Well, maybe you do if you read this blog, or definitely this blog.

However, if you don’t know what it is - it is National Novel Writing Month, and it is coming up in just a week.

I have been going just about crazy trying to decide on my topic/storyline. I have been participating in some random challenges from the website, just to keep myself occupied and fresh. What wound up happening though, was something I didn’t expect.

I wound up finding a story in our blended family. I decided to use part of our lives to create a character who was going through a similar thing and voila - I found a whole book. No. Seriously. I have no idea how I am going to do it either, because I now have a chapter written and it is against NaNoWriMo rules to write your book ahead of time. So that one will have to wait on the back burner until after the extreme writing craziness of November and extreme editing craziness of December. Which sucks btw: because I had some great storylines going.

In the meantime though, it gives my mind something else to think about instead of stressing over my ideas for the actual NaNoWriMo competition. I am initially aiming to win the 50,000 words, but am hoping I can bypass that and come close to 100,000. Say prayers. Lots of prayers. I need them.

Wow. I get to celebrate two teenage birthdays in just over a month.

Vanessa, this is the second birthday that I have been able to spend with you. What an amazing journey God and life has led us through in these past two years.

Unlike your sisters, I’ve known you since Kindergarten when the beauty you had in your heart was extended to my son. You became his friend, when he was struggling to find one. You treated him with respect, you never turned your back on him and even then I loved you for who you were.

It is funny to look back at two years ago and think that somehow God had a hand in all of this all along. What a lost soul you were and it doesn’t seem like that long ago. The turmoil that you had faced in your young life was so much more than a child should have to bare. I was determined to make things work for all of us, and I think I did well. I love you more than I ever knew possible, and while I will never take the place of your mother, I know now that I am in your heart in a special place.

I cannot believe I am looking at a teenager today. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. God has worked in your heart in amazing ways in the past year and it shows. You radiate His love. The compassion that I have been seeing you show, the concern, the affection that is finally displayed for my two kids is noted. I haven’t missed a thing. Thank you.

Happy 13th Birthday to my favorite teenage girl! I love you.