First, try to take a step back and look at it from their angle. If you know the types of things that go in the other parents home, if you know the activities they did while they were visiting, etc. then you might already have some answers.
Let’s take a look at our situation to compare. When my step kids return home on Sunday night after a weekend visit, they always look terrible. In fact, most of the time they look sick. It took me awhile to figure out why, but now I know. They don’t sleep well. There are many reasons for this, but one of them is that they get to go to bed whenever. Have you ever told an eight year old she could go to bed whenever she wants? Uhm. Didn’t think so. So stacked with that knowledge, the first thing I could determine was that they were always VERY exhausted when they got home. This meant no strenuous activities. (Last summer we took them to the lake/beach to swim on a Sunday evening after they arrived home - and while I admit they had fun, it was really hard the next day.)
Another situation that we deal with is the fact that they wonder what they are missing here when they are there. You can normally tell when they have been active all weekend, because they will come home rambling about every detail and happily share their adventures. However, if they spent the majority of the weekend doing nothing, they usually clam up and get very quiet when they return home. It took me some time to figure out that it was because they were trying to learn what we had done over the weekend. Had we gone anywhere fun, had we done anything that they might have enjoyed? One more than one occasion - we have. That has been hard for them, because it makes them feel guilty towards both parents. Guilty for wishing they could have been with the other parent, instead of sitting around doing nothing. Guilty for making the choice to spend the weekend with the other parent, and not participate with the rest of us in an activity. It is gut wrenching when you really sit and look at it. The turmoil that these kids endure, wanting to please both parents, yet not wanting to disappoint the other while doing it.
It is imperative to take that deeper look at your child and see what situations might make them different when they return home. Once you are garnered with that information, it is time to move onto the next step. For the record, this could take a lot of weeks to accomplish. What you are looking for is situational consistency. You want to see if when the situations are the same on more than once occasion, that the child or children are consistent with their behavior or RHR. (return home reaction). The reason for this, is that some kids actually do fine bouncing back and forth and you would never know anything was wrong. Still other kids might have a hard time once in awhile but not every time. You might wish to review when these things happen so that you don’t over-react or under-react accordingly.
Read the next section of this article.
For the other sections of this article see:
Custody: When They Return - Reviewing The Situation
Custody: When They Return - Taking a Deeper Look
Custody: When They Return - Transitions That Work
February 18th, 2008 at 9:43 am
[...] Read the next section of this article. [...]
February 18th, 2008 at 9:44 am
[...] Custody: When They Return - Taking a Deeper Look [...]