It seems like a normal question for a large blended family like ours, however it isn’t intended the way it sounds.
I’m curious - how many kids do you really have?
When I went into my blended family, I knew that I was not just getting three new kids, but I was getting five new kids. Their dynamics and how they work together, was going to change. My own children would react differently to me, to him and to their new found siblings. I know, without a doubt, that I have five kids.
However, the issue that arises the most often, seems to be that parents tend to be harder on their partner’s kids than thier own. While I’d like to think of myself as the exception to this rule, I am humble enough to admit, there are times, when I’d rather blame his kids. However, I don’t. That’s the difference.
I spent a great deal of time soul searching on what I wanted for my new family. I have continued that through the entire time we have been together.
So what do you do when you feel like you’ve made the necessary changes, but your partner has not?
I wish I could say this is not an issue for my family. It is. It is a reality. He is definitely harder on my kids than his own, and I cannot figure out why. His kids are not the angels that sometimes I feel he thinks they are. In fairness, I know in my heart, that he is aware of their problems, and the way they react at times too.
But what happens, more often than not, is that he tends to notice every single minor and major detail of what my kids do wrong. However, his oldest doesn’t seem to do any wrong.
Sad part? All four of the other kids have noticed this and expressed it to me. Yes, that includes two of his girls. They have told me more than once that they feel as if the oldest NEVER gets in trouble. And the other sad part? They are correct. The same things that will immediately get my kids yelled at or in trouble, he ignores completely in her unless I say something. Or unless I give him the look. Then suddenly, as if by magic, he comes alive and says something.
One day I did something I never thought I’d do. I staged a scene to see what would happen. It was immature and I know that. I shouldn’t have done it, I am not perfect and I will never claim to be.
I asked my son to wait for my cue and when I gave it, to act silly with the youngest girl. I told him not to go overboard but to simply start goofing around a bit. I waited until the oldest started messing with the middle girl (her usual target) and waited almost five minutes to give my son the cue. I did. Guess which pair he yelled at? Yes, you guessed right, if you chose my son and his youngest daughter. Guess which kids he did not yell at? Yes, you also got it right if you guessed his oldest and middle daughter. Which pair was the more obvious that they were misbehaving? The oldest girl - she was climbing on the back of the middle child and we had more than enough people looking at us in the store. *sigh*
So, what do you do about it? I think it’s much like everything else. You try to communicate. You don’t do it in front of the children and while I know I did, I definitely don’t recommend inviting the children to be any part of it. It was a mistake I know, but I was so aggravated I just wanted proof.
So, if you ask me how many kids I really have, I will tell you five. If you ask him, I still think he thinks he only has three, but maybe not.
August 3rd, 2007 at 12:26 pm
first- I’ve got four (all mine and his though). I wanted you to know that I haven’t updated lately as was very busy, not sure if ya know but Gayla handed the site over to me but I promise I’ll be much better about it now that school is about to start back up.
November 26th, 2007 at 9:26 am
I’m glad to see the site is back up and running. I have enjoyed your site.
December 20th, 2007 at 3:58 pm
I am looking for any info I can find on blended families. I’m glad I found this site. We are new to this, a blended family of seven for the last 3 months (2 of his, 2 of mine and 1 of ours). I think he feels like he has 5 kids, I’m still stuck on 3. I’m trying to do better.
December 29th, 2007 at 8:52 pm
OMG! In “How many kids do you really have” I am sitting here thinking that I am NOT crazy or the only one to have these issues. (definitely harder on my kids than his own, and I cannot figure out why.) Everything you say is as if you are in my house. And in my case, unfortunately, there is no talking to him about it. He turns it around as if I think my kids are perfect etc. Now, on the flip side, he does more for my kids than their bio father (who moved himself 2000 miles away 2 years ago). But still, it is a BIG problem for me and mine. (14 & 17. His are 19 twin boy and girl) It is THE only issue we have. We are on the same page of just about everything in life but that. I could go on and on and on….