I think for any step-mom or step-mom to be, one of the biggest challenges is earning the other parents child’s trust and love. And it isn’t something that is simple either. It is something that over time, might develop naturally, but most of the time it requires hard work and dedication by the step-parent.
In my situation, I had to earn the love and trust of three girls. When I met their father he had a 6 year old, a 9 year old and a 11 year old. Personally, at that time I had a 7 year old and an 11 year old. Girl and Boy, respectfully.
The problem was, my little family of three had been divorced from their dad for several years. In fact, my daughter has no recollection of living with her father at any time. She was two when I left. My son was five.
But these girls were still licking fresh wounds. Cut deep by a mother’s abandonment. And while I get along well with her, I will never ever be able to comprehend how she could have done that to these beautiful children.
It was easy to earn the middle child’s love. All she wanted was attention, and I was full of that. It was easy to love her. She is an excellent student, a sweet girl and honestly any parents dream child. I kid you not, the child does not lie. She’s a godsend.
The next easiest was the youngest. She is energetic, carefree and full of so much comical ability, she almost explodes. She is a sweet kid too, and was the first to admit she liked me. In fact, she is the one that often times tells me she can’t wait until daddy and I get married so I can be a real mom. That’s sweet, and I proudly take the role, but they still do have a mother.
The oldest child provided a challenge. Angry and resentful at her mother for leaving, yet yearning for her love and acceptance broke her. She was a mess when I moved in, and she took a lot of coaxing, working with, talking and just letting her cry when she needed to and letting her know I understood, while still setting boundaries and rules. I worried the most about V. I couldn’t help it. I had known her since she was in Kindergarten and the child that belonged to the man I loved was not the same little girl I had known all those years, for very obvious reasons. However, after almost two years together, I got my solid proof this past week on a vacation, that she truly loves me and respects me.
Normally she takes her mom over anyone and we just live with that fact. I’m happy that she loves her mom and was able to forgive her for leaving (the middle child has not hit the forgiveness road just yet, but she thinks more clearly than the oldest does and sees exactly what her mother did). This past week V chose me and leaving for our vacation early. At first I just thought it was because we were going on a trip. I mean, who wouldn’t want to leave early and do that right?
Except on the way down there (we just got back home tonight), I talked to them. I told them it felt weird to leave home without dad (he was coming down on Thanksgiving because he had to work). But that I thought it was way cool that they trusted me this much to leave on a vacation with just me for several days. She confirmed what I had hoped for (as did everyone else, but coming from her it spoke volumes since she normally is pretty reserved with how much of her feelings she will admit). She confirmed that spending time with me was fun and that she knew I would keep them safe while we had tons of fun. That she liked spending time with me. That they knew I was serious when I set down rules (of which they had none of before I came along) but that I did it to keep them safe and protected. Pretty cool to hear from a 13 year old. She also admitted that she had been looking forward to just the six of us (without dad - but I think that’s another post). She has on occasion in the past few months mumbled “I love you” when I come say goodnight to everyone. But the security that was evident in her eyes this past week, and the fact that she wanted to be with me constantly and found every thing I did or showed them completely fascinating and never boring or “parentish” is just further solidification in my mind that I have succeeded as a step parent.
Doesn’t it feel good when it finally dawns?
