I don’t normally dish REALLY personal stuff here, but this time I might need a little help from my friends.
Yesterday, I mentioned that there was an issue that would require another post relating to dad.
Here’s the scoop on that:
While sitting at the breakfast counter on Thanksgiving morning, V was watching me prepare the dishes that needed to cook. She spent a great deal of time with me during this vacation and said plenty of beautiful things that solidified my place in her life and that I truly am important to her. However, she did say one thing that concerned me greatly and it is one of those things that normally I could go talk to dad about, but…. I can’t. It’s about him.
Quite casually, and almost out of nowhere, V says
“I kinda wish dad wasn’t coming ‘ya know?”
But then quickly followed it up with.
“But in a way I mean I’m kinda glad he is.”
I kept myself busy with preparing a green bean casserole dish because I honestly did not know what to say and I needed a few moments to think. The only thing I said was “It’s going to be super nice to have him get here. He’s missing out on all the fun.”
Unfortunately, ever since that conversation took place, I am just positive I could have taken that in another direction and actually talked to her about why she didn’t want him there. I’m sure in my own way I can figure out some of it. Dad works nights. Dad is tired a lot. Dad gets grumpy sometimes at normal things that normal people would never get grumpy at. HOWEVER, dad is also one of the most kid-like dads I have ever encountered. He is so much fun to be with, makes the kids laugh regularly, loves them like crazy and they never have to question that - ever. These kids adore their dad, so the comment sincerely surprised me, especially coming from her.
After spending the past four days since the words were uttered, thinking about it almost constantly, (obsess much Nicole?) I thought of something else. Sometimes dad and I play fight (yes everyone knows its playful fighting, I’m not going THERE with this). We hardly ever fight for real, so we make these totally silly arguments up and will throw pillows, water, food and other items or tickle each other. (okay I know we are like giant kids, but its funny and the kids totally crack up and join in on the fun). What I have noticed lately, is they ALL (yes that would be all five children) come to my defense every single time. They all protect me. Since it’s playful, I never thought about it much.
Except, if dad is acting grumpy to me for real, the kids notice and they tend to “mother” me in a way making it very clear who they “side” with, which I totally expect from my two. When this occurs, they spend more time with me, they want to leave the house with me, but not dad. (this is not abusive or anything like that - its usually just grumpy mood stuff. Nothing bad at all!)
What the heck am I supposed to do? Am I doing something wrong? I need to help them want to be with their dad, and I encourage it all the time, but I feel as if I am doing something wrong.
And exactly how do I go about talking to him about it? The problem is, he already feels like they never come talk to him about anything. (they do, but he means the really important stuff.) But what I try to make him see is that they are all girls, so they tend to come to a girl (yeah - that’s me). So I don’t know what to do anymore. While I feel like I am succeeding big time as a step-parent, making leaps and bounds and plenty of love and respect, I feel like somewhere I have gone wrong.
What would you do?
